Today we had to do Team Photos at launch.
Now, I understand why we have to do these for sponsors and as a record of our participation in the event and, of course, I’m only too happy to pose for the cameras. However, squeezing a portly 41 year old man into a white lycra top which would not look out of place in a gay club just isn’t dignified.
After a lot of hunting around in my paraglider kit I managed to find the team top buried in the back of my harness whilst all the others waited expectantly for the show to begin. I, of course, had to strip all my other clothes off to even have a chance of wriggling into the lycra which seemed to be an excuse for at least half the other competitors to come over and pass unwanted comments about the size of my belly and how they had a ‘very nice friend called Miguel who’d just luuurve to meet you’.
‘Thanks you bunch of bastards’ I muttered from inside the top which not only wouldn’t fit over my belly but I’d discovered that I also couldn’t get my head out of the neck hole either. After more thrashing about during which I managed to fall over my own paraglider bag I finally popped out the top and we were ready for the big photo session.
‘Hope you’ve got a wide angle lens’ chirped in Keith McCullough from Canada who still hasn’t forgiven me for referring to his team as ‘The American Team’ during the opening ceremony.
‘Mark, you are really at the bottom of fashion!’ added Yassen Sassov to the approval of the growing crowd of bored pilots who had sensed some good sport to be had at my expense. You’ve no idea how bad it is getting a ribbing about your fashion sense from somebody who comes from Bulgaria.
‘Ve hav just like this in Russian man-love club’ sniggered Marina Olexina filming everything in Hi-Def video whilst the entire German Team were practically wetting themselves with laughter. Perhaps it reminded them of Benny Hill or something.
Walking on to launch to more comments about ‘weather balloons’ and ‘Humpty Dumpty’ I must have looked like the Pied Piper with an ever growing throng of competitors trailing behind me clutching their cameras and desperate for an embarrassing shot of yours truly to paste onto their websites.
‘Don’t hold your stomach in, it just looks worse’ advised Russ Ogden, unhelpfully. I tried some diversionary techniques of taking the piss out of Jamie Messenger who is so skinny that his top was flapping in the wind but I remained the centre of attention and everybody’s mirth.
5 minutes later it was all over at which point I discovered I couldn’t get the bloody thing off again but that’s another story.
So, here are the unsightly results and I’ll thank you all in advance for pointing out that it did, indeed, look worse holding my stomach in…
Mark H
The annoyingly long and hot launch queue
What a fine set of athletes
The team hot tub
